You Are In A Relationship When...

Dear David's Gay Dish,
I have been seeing the same man for over 6 months. As far as I can tell our relationship is monogamous. How can I tell if I am in a relationship or not? I know if I ask he will not want to discuss it.
~Tell Me

Dear Tell Me,
You are in a relationship when:
1. He leaves his underwear on the bedroom floor for you to throw in the laundry basket.

2. Ditto wet towels on the bathroom floor.

3. Ditto dishes in the sink. For you to wash. Not to throw laundry in the basket.

4. When he's coming over in the evening he calls to see if you have eaten yet.

5. Big step forward. He offers to bring you something instead of going out.

6. When he is no longer careful about splitting restaurant bills, movie tickets, etc. Often pays for you without mentioning it. As you do for him.

7. Spends money on you. The more they spend the more they care. If he does NOT spend money on you you do not have a relationship. If you always pay, forget it. It is not going to happen. You may have something but it is not a relationship.

8. He breaks wind in bed. And laughs.

9. He kisses you on the mouth with enthusiasm.

10. He calls you from the office when he is a little down to cheer him up. And you do.

11. If you have most of these you are in good shape. Which does not mean you will be together for the next twenty years. And in many cases you can thank your lucky stars for this in retrospect.

(Photo via Life.com)

Brownies, Cookies, Ice Cream...Oh My!

Dear D.G.D.,
My boyfriend and I get along except for one thing. I am a trainer and I have to keep fit and avoid junk food. Unfortunately I love it but can resist it if it isn't in the house in front of my eyes. My boyfriend is much less likely to gain weight than I am and buys all the fatal stuff all the time. Our kitchen is full of potato chips, brownies, cookies, ice cream - you name it. I have tried to explain many times that I don't want him to do this but it doesn't do any good. Despite myself, I get up in the night and dip oreo cookies into peanut butter. Help me!
~Frustrated Food Feuder

Dear Triple-F,
This is not an uncommon problem, especially between older men and their younger lovers. The younger lover chows down and the older guy gets fat. And the younger lover leaves him. As I have said, beauty is everything, unfortunately.

After much pondering, here's my solution. Get a separate refrigerator (it can be small) and cupboard for yourself. This is your territory, forbidden to him. And his refrigerator and cupboard is forbidden to you. You never go there. If necessary put signs like "No, No, Nanette" on them. You do not eat there. Everything in them is poison. At least that will help you realize how extreme it is when you lose your self-discipline. Maybe put pictures of fat people on them, too.

I always remind my friends, "As you're reaching for that oreo just imagine two pounds of raw hamburger on the kitchen table. That's a whole lots of bulk, and that's only two pounds." I hope this helps. At least it will keeps visual drama in front of your boyfriend and maybe it will sink in.

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Thank-you to everyone who came to my booksigning last Friday night at Bar 721. I met some great people. Here are a few photos from the event:

My table of books shown above, visit my website if you would like to purchase one for you or your friends. They make great gifts.

Talking with blog readers who needed advice

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Also my darlings, I am hosting 2 evenings of singalong for the Sound of Music at the Manor in Fort Lauderdale April 29th & having an "Ab Fab Yard Sale" on April 30th. Stay tuned for more details! :)

(2 Guys Eating Cake Photo via Pringles of Scotland)

What to Do About Aging...

Dear David,
I'm getting older and I don't like it at all. What are you doing about it?
~Old Fart

Dear Old Fart,
I love your pen name. It means you are not taking yourself too seriously. Okay, here is some of what is in my book "How to Be Gay in the 21st Century":

1. Laughable Loves. Please don't be getting crushes on younger men you can only long for. "I think the waiter likes me." Please.

2. Pornography. I learned this strangely from an interview with the famous architect Buckminster Fuller. Essential as you get older. You need variety to get excited. Do not be ashamed of this in any way.

3. Don't Embarass Yourself. Remember the things you noticed about older men when you were a younger man. No combovers, toupees, you can color your hair but go to a good hairdresser and have an expert job.

4. Loneliness. Just think of someone who is lonelier than you are and do something about it. Not necessarily another man. People in retirement homes, orphans, single women friends. Don't pay attention to someone who might be a potential love interest. Hidden agendas can backfire on you. And then you are even lonelier.

5. Hang Around with Younger People. We have a tendency to pick up mannerisms and style from our peer group. You really have no trouble getting in and out of cars. You don't slump. Stick with younger people and act like them.

I am at Bar 721 tomorrow night. Drop in. It's at 721 Lincoln Lane just north of Lincoln Road off Meridian towards the beach.