Don't Marry a Woman

You know I'm always promoting my book "How to Be Gay in the 21st Century." But I do want to point out that in the opening I say, "If you are in the closet and do not plan to come out, read no further." This book is not for you.

Even so I do have a chapter entitled "Don't Marry a Woman." And you will muster the old-fashioned arguments. I want a settled domestic life. You can. With another man. Just because you're with another man doesn't mean you have to be out chasing even more men just because you're gay. That's a gay tradition you can very well forget.

Then you will find that being settled in the suburbs will end your problems. Really? Honey, they're just the beginning.

Or you will tell me you want to have children. You can. Firstly, there are tons of kids without parents out there. If it were me, I would take a child no one else wants. Hovering towards their teen years. Bound to be lost if you don't take them. Remember you are there for the child, the child is not there for you. Children are not like poodles. You have them because you want them.

My sister was visiting me once when I had been given two abandoned cats. She said, "I don't remember you liking pets." I said, "I don't particularly, but now that I have them I feel responsible for them." She said, "That's how I feel about the children." Need I say more?

Plus, you will cheat on your wife with truck drivers. You will never discuss your double life and when she finds out she will be destroyed. You are not supposed to do that to other people.

And when the kids grow up and move far, far away (a curious fact about children with closeted fathers), you will no longer be able to resist your hankering for men, leave your wife, settle down with another man in a replica of your married life with a woman. It sounds boring just discussing it. So please, don't marry a woman.