Gay Bars

Dear David,
Do you ever go to gay bars? Will I run into you some night at one?
~Bar-Bara

Dear Bar-Bara,
Sorry, honey, but I never go anywhere where wit counts for nothing. Gay bars are too noisy, the music is too loud and the lights are too low.

This is all from my new book, "How to Be Gay in the 21st Century":

1. I personally don't want to sleep with someone who has slept with half the Eastern Seaboard.

2. Remember, no tanktops. We have already discussed this.

3. Please behave yourself at the urinal. No a thousand times NO.

4. Think twice when the new guy is from out of town.

5. Do not get drunk. Okay, think booze and drugs are just a way to let you step outside of the picture and live in a fantasy, brief and chemically generated. If you can afford it why not?

Because finally, you are all alone in this fantasy. And nothing is harder on your looks than alcohol, tobacco and drugs. You are going to need your looks later, my darling. Hang on to them.