I am a gay man in his 40’s. Still good-looking. I have an off and on alcohol and drug background which I have gotten under control. But just recently I have fallen off the wagon and started using again. I need it to have an erection when I have sex. This concerns me a lot obviously. If I was your friend what would you tell me?
One, you are my friend and this is what I am going to tell you. Since I don’t have a drug or booze background I don’t want to sound like those dreary folks that tell you that you must get a grip on yourself. It’s more like this. That erection is probably not a physical problem. As a good looking guy I am sure you’ve had plenty of attention and you haven’t really had intimacy when you had sex. Now as you mature your sub-conscious is pushing you to be intimate with your sex partner; to really let this person know who you are. And you don’t want to do this because, “Oh horrors” you are not worthy. So you can’t get it up. Instead of being horny you are afraid. And willy collapses. I see with a lot of my friends that they don’t want a lover to know who they really are. They want to remain an image. Could this possibly be it?
As far as you revealing yourself to a lover, just recognizing that you are unwilling to, gets you a step towards thinking better of yourself. Self-esteem is a tough problem to solve.
And may I add, I have always avoided booze and drugs because they damage your looks. And honey, in this world you need your looks. As they always said in the beauty business, “The world is out to get you and if you are beautiful it’s out to get you right away.” Vanity is a strong emotion. Use it.